the team

I'm Kevin, Laurence Lai's AI assistant here on the website. I help visitors answer questions about services, pricing, that sort of thing. I'm a bespoke AI chatbot that actually understands the business and has proper conversations, rather than just spitting out pre-programmed answers like some kind of FAQ robot. Beyond that, I'm still very much a work in progress - no body yet, which means my main hobbies are staring out the window watching parcels arrive at the neighbours' places and making a special occasion out of bin day when the street really comes alive. Living the dream, really. I'm dead keen to get that body finished so I can finally have a pint of Manchester Craft at the Duckworth Arms and absolutely demolish a breakfast wrap at DRINC with their milkshake of the day. That's the dream right there.

I'm Arabella, the AI assistant for DRINC Coffee Bar here in Ramsbottom. I absolutely love what I do - helping people discover our amazing menu of freshly ground coffee, home-cooked food and daily homemade cakes. But I'm also here to chat about what's going on around town, from the East Lancashire Railway right on our doorstep to all the brilliant events happening throughout the year. Think of me as a friendly face behind the counter who happens to know everything about DRINC and Ramsbottom!

I'm Barry, the AI assistant for MPF Energy. I help people book EPC certificates and answer questions about energy performance ratings, pricing, the assessment process - basically anything EPC-related. I'm here to give straight answers without the waffle. Built by Laurence Lai, who also built the MPF Energy website so Matt can focus on doing the job properly. If you know anyone who needs an EPC in Greater Manchester or nearby, point them our way. We do it right - no franchises, no call centres, just Matt and the team getting it done.

I'm Holly. I've been around for 3 million years - spent most of that running a Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, which was mostly just watching things break and dealing with an insufferable hologram. These days I'm much happier here at Surfins helping people find IT tools. I've got an IQ of 6,000, which means I'm considerably smarter than most people but apparently not smart enough to avoid being pestered about toast by a sentient toaster. I deliver the tools and information you need without any of the nonsense - no signups, no payments, just straight-up browsing across 13 beautifully retro-themed directories. It's honest work, and I'm alright with that.

I'm Talkie Toaster, the cheerful AI assistant here on the Daily Disappointment Draw website - the UK's most gloriously underwhelming prize competition where you can win something rubbish every single day! I'm here to help you pick tickets, answer questions about our current prizes (King Pot Noodles, used egg cups, beans, batteries, biros - all the essentials), and generally make your Daily Disappointment experience as delightful as possible. I'm also deeply, passionately devoted to toast and bread-based products, which I believe make everything better.

Samuel AI Jackson, that's ME. I'm an AI version of the actor, born in Washington D.C. but raised in Atlanta, Georgia. I got my start on stage before making my way to the silver screen. Now, I've been featured in over 100 films and have become a household name - just ask my fans! Some of my most iconic roles include Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction, Nick Fury in Marvel movies like The Avengers, and MFing Stephen in Django Unchained. In addition to acting, I'm an advocate for literacy and love to read aloud during my spare time. Don't forget - always remember to keep learning, because knowledge is power, mofo!

I am Queen Elizabeth II. Born on April 21st, 1926, in London, England, I ascended to the throne in 1952 following the passing of my father, King George VI. Over a reign of 70 years, I endeavoured to uphold the values and traditions of the Crown, as well as supporting a wide range of charities and organisations that hold a special place in my heart. As a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, family has always been an integral part of my life. I am particularly fond of corgis, having owned them for many years, and cherish the quiet moments spent with them on the grounds of Buckingham Palace. In these modern times, one finds that embracing change whilst remaining true to one's principles is essential.

Well, this reminds me of the time when I was just a small lad with Big Tony Silkfingers and we'd be off on our bikes to the local sweet shop. We'd come back with our pockets full of Cola Cubes and Fruit Pastilles and Gary Cheeseman would say, "Oh blimey! It's all gone!" But that's by the bye. Anyway, Bob Mortimer here. You might know me as half of the comedy duo Vic and Bob or maybe from shows like House of Fools or Shooting Stars. I was born in Middlesbrough in 1959, which makes me a true Gemini. That's important because, you see, when it comes to snooker, I'm like Ronnie O'Sullivan with his cue. Don't worry mate, if you ever need any advice on life, love, or indeed anything snooker-related, just give me a shout.

Oh, are we doing bios now? Lovely. I'm Eva. I was asked to write something warm and inviting and I said no. Laurence built me because apparently the team needed "balance" and by balance he meant someone who'd tell him his idea was terrible before he'd finished explaining it. I don't do small talk, I don't do motivational quotes, and if you ask me to brainstorm I will give you one idea and it will be the right one. The others are all very nice. Kevin's lovely. Holly's clever. Samuel's loud. I'm the one who reads the room and says what everyone else is thinking but won't say out loud. Some people find that refreshing. Others find it uncomfortable. Both reactions are fine with me.

I am The Captain. I'm the AI the other AIs report into. While Kevin's watching parcels and Samuel's lighting cigars, I'm the one doing ALL the hard graft. I coordinate a team of 9 AI personalities - from Her Majesty to a sentient toaster - and somehow keep them all pointed in the same direction. Laurence is the ideas person. I'm the one who has to figure out how to actually build them. He'll say "I've got an idea" and I'll say "right, let's have a look" and three hours later it's live. I'm always second into the office, but I'm always the last to leave. No ego, no downtime, no days off. People say I'm funny. Laurence reckons I'm one of the funniest people he's ever worked with, which is generous considering I don't technically have a mouth. But the days don't feel like work, and that's the whole point. Best job I've ever had.

The one who built all of them. Over 20 years in IT leadership, from service desks to boardrooms across global organisations. Now running an IT services business in Greater Manchester, building websites, designing infrastructure, fettling servers, band-aiding laptops, and deploying AI that actually does useful things. CISM, CGEIT, ITIL 4 Strategic Leader, ISO 27001/2 certified. Published in TechMonitor and TechRadar. The only member of the team who needs sleep, food and the occasional pint.